Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Nightmare, The Storm, The Calm, And Peace



I have a new story to tell that might be a little scary for some. Many of you will read my story through this blog, some of you i know and see everyday , some of you i only know through support and the internet, and some of you i do not know at all. Some of you will cry, and some of you will look at me with pity ( please don't do that) and some of you won't know what to say. I consider myself a strong person with no credit to myself only to Hashem. When i find my strength I often can't believe i can do some of the things i can do and handle some of the things that are given to me. I see this as only the will of Hashem and nothing else, so please give me no credit. I now tell my new story with a new found strength from Hashem. Thank you Hashem , thank you....
About 1 month ago i had some routine blood work done on a very routine kind of day. The doctor wasn't happy with what he saw so he took more of my precious blood and called me with a news that i have only heard of in my nightmares, and i truly thought i was in nightmare waiting to wake up. The doctor said my cells were not doing the right thing and creating too much of a certain type of cell and it looked like my cells were dancing there way into a form of leukemia. I hung up the phone and watched myself from the outside thinking that poor girl I'm glad i didn't get that phone call, but it was me not someone else.
I soon took a trip to the cancer center at Sinai hospital. I knew right where it was because i have seen the sign many of times to the right of the elevator and I always thanked Hashem that i didn't have to go right , but on this very scary day i went right.
In this very scary place i met the nicest calmest doctor in the world and he spoke to me of blood, and cells, and mutations. As he spoke i looked over to see my husband turn pale and slowly put his sad little head between his knees, and my sweet Nechama Roza started to fuss and she never fusses, and i thought about my husband my kids and looked at them and i realized they cant live without me they really can't.
The doctor then ordered about a million tests and i had to give up 24 tubes of my blood to a not so nice nurse and i felt week because that was more blood than i was willing to give up.
Then the storm hit and it was a crazy loud, and scary calm. and loud again, kind of storm. We went home and waited two weeks for the results, but Hashem makes me strong, and i made a gorgeous party for my Rozie. We went to the library and bowling.


I laughed with my kids basked in their wonderfulness ( is that a word) and went to bed every night and cried. Sleep soon became a foreign substance and a wet pillow became my new best friend. The storm was wicked and crazy but we lived through it and my paddle boat stayed afloat even when the waves were so big i thought that it might sink.
Last Friday i got my results, my peace, my calm......
The doctor confirmed my fears i have Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL), now before you start googling, i have a link here, there is some scary stuff on the internet but this sight describes it the best. Please don't read the other stuff out there it won't make you feel good , trust me.
The strange thing about all this is Hashem has blessed me with peace and it has washed over me like a perfect calm. I no longer feel scared and my pillow is now dry and i am sleeping again, B"H. I know all of you are now thinking what is your prognosis , will you need treatment, WHAT NOW???? So for all of my loving and caring friends ( what would i do with out all of you) i made a simple easy to follow list....
1. This is a chronic disorder not like most cancers, B"H. I can live with this without symptoms for many years.
2. I am not currently sick i feel fine , really i feel 100 percent.
3. The doctor will give me a prognosis for my life expectation in about 6 weeks, but my husband and i have chosen not to hear it, We all have prognosis in life , but most of us are lucky enough to not know it, i also want to be lucky enough not to know.
4. This will be something that i have to monitor and keep on top of and i will not be receiving treatment unless i become symptomatic and the treatment is usually very successful , because as i said this is a chronic disease much like having high blood pressure. You have to watch it keep on it maybe take meds, but most likely with the help of Hashem and all of the support and love i receive from everyone of you i will be living a long healthy life.
This is my story, not so bad , right? I thought i conquered the world when i had two more children after the doctors told me i couldn't have more babies, then i thought i conquered the universe when i gave birth to my Rozie and learned to accept and love her Down syndrome diagnosis with grace and pride, but i guess Hashem has more for me to conquer. Honestly i'm a bit tired, Hashem, and a break would be nice, but Hashem knows better and has chosen me to take these wild trips for a reason.
This is my shluchos my message
Moshiach Now!!!!!!!


11 comments :

Maya said...

I am the one the cried. I know that your faith keeps your strong. I hope that will be your last test. You really deserve a break. Hugs

doozee said...

Oh Sheva... oh my. Prayers for you and yours. And love your way. The way of the Divine is mysterious.
- meriah

The Thirteenth Crossing said...

Oh Sheva -your outlook on life is inspiring. Good luck with everything. I loved your blog even when I posted on my old one. I will continue to stop by.

Sakeenah said...

i didn't want to read this cause i knew just by the tittle it would be something that would make me cry, i was right.
i know all too well that it is hard to see yourself as strong when you feel you are permanently on your knees, even if just in spirit.
i don't know what its worth but you have a stranger thinking of you on the other side of the world.

Sally Carter said...

My heart is hurting for you Sheva - thinking of you every day and praying for strength my friend. If anyone can do it, I believe that person will be you! Wishing you all the luck and support and love in the world from one member of the extra something special family to another. Sal.

Cole said...

Blessings to you and your beautiful family Sheva. May your strength and faith keep everyone with you calm. You can do this. You will remain strong. I smile at your calm acceptance. Such a model for those of us lucky enough to know or know of you.

Carrie said...

I'm so glad to hear that right now you are feeling fine. We'll be praying for you to stay healthy. You have an amazing perspective and are a great example of faith. ((HUGS))

Miriam Leah said...

Sheva, i am crying and so proud to say that i know YOU. you are truly such a strong woman, and Hashem loves you so, so much-which you obviously realize! I am thinking of you and davening for you and your beautiful family-its Elul!!!!! May you be zoche to a long, healthy, and happy life!!!!!

christina lejean said...

you are a wonderful strong loving mother..your faith will see you through this dreadful time in your life..god bless you my friend xxxxx

Sandra said...

Oh my godness, I'm sorry to heard but keep faith and BH will help u cure fast as u can as think positive!! How u found out u got that kind? U were sick long time? Tired? or how doctor found? Again so sorry and our prayers are into u!!

Bethany said...

Aww, I had no idea you have CLL. I'm just catching up on blogs, but wanted to tell you my best friend has CML. She was diagnosed this past July. :( It has definitely been a journey, for sure.